I’ve never been a nickname kind of guy before. Not for lack of trying, but some people just don’t have nicknames that stick. My buddies on the basketball team use to refer to me as “K-Dubb”, but that was done the moment the season ended. My father use to refer to me as “Meat” when I would pitch because we both love Bull Durham. But that was always an inside joke more than anything.

So imagine my disappointment when my beautiful, wonderful, apple of my eye, 4 year old daughter came up with a nickname for me around the house.

It happened just before I came to Clarksville. My amazing wife had given birth to our (now 4 month old) son. As she was feeding him on the couch, my daughter got curious and asked her mom what she was doing. My wife explained to her that she was breastfeeding and how it works. My daughter then asked the question, “Why doesn’t daddy every feed him?”. Innocent enough, right? Wrong. My wife then tells her that boys nipples don’t work that way, they serve no purpose. That’s when my daughter asked “So dad’s nipples are useless?”

Now here is where I messed up. Instead of laughing it off, I jokingly got offended at my useless nips. My daughter then found it quite funny (as did my wife) and started calling me “Useless Nipples” to mess with me. Now, I can’t get away from it.

This nickname is less than ideal. Also, it isn’t my fault the good lord decided to make my nipples for show, not function. Being bullied by a 4 year old is THE WORST. She’s lucky that I love her very much.